DEAR FAMILY-
just let me explain.
It is so vitally important for me to inform all of you that I have a serious mental illness. I have bi-polar disorder. I am NOT bi-polar.
I HAVE a disorder called bi-polar.
I have been diagnosed several times by three different doctors that specialize in the field of Psychiatry and can pinpoint bipolarity out in a crowd from across the room. I managed to “fool” 2 of my doctors, one being a psychiatric nurse practitioner and one my therapist in which I was “fired” from. Because of my inability to admit I actually had a disease in which I was convinced the devil had infiltrated my mind, body and soul. Life became very messy and I could no longer pick up the pieces. I was OUT OF CONTROL. My marriage was falling apart at the seams. My husband had communicated with me several times that I needed to get help. He told me that no matter what he just wanted to see me health and happy. I became filled with anger. I would lash out at him or anyone that stood in my way. It didn’t seem to matter if it were family, friends, co-workers….even my children. I expected people to conform to my world. It was justified and powerful. I created a business and signed on the dotted line with my new business partner. She was a young gal single, beautiful, schooled, and an innocent bystander in my path. My world became lonely and I would tell myself the solitude was comforting. I didn’t want to deal with other people or their issues. My days were filled with new dot com creations. One after another I created more and more promising myself and the family that they would bring riches. I was consumed and thus were my days. Alone in my office with nothing but my computer and over 20 dot com sites I soon became engrossed and my family continued to become ignored. Hearing the discontent and disapproval I chose to ignore them. After all, I was going to be the success. My husband would no longer have to work. The children could attend elite college and we would have a grand house to show off my hard work. My housework grew and remained simply undone. The laundry piled high and the dishes stacked. Dinners were a thing of the past. I just didn’t have time. Homework was expected to be completed by them alone, after all, it was theirs to own. My husband worked hard trying to provide but the income just wasn’t enough with the amount of debt I had racked up in the previous years during my unintended rampage of destruction.
This is the reality of mania.
Complete unawareness of the disease and lack of education I continued this behavior.
With mental illness played by many characters in some of our favorite Hollywood movies like “The One That Flew Over The Coo Coo’s Nest”, it is ironic that this disorder captures viewer’s attention for with racy climax, un-imaginable behavior and quick actions to the devil like behaviors to the dramatic aftermath. Perhaps that’s the reason for obtaining its famous name, ”BI”. The two complete opposite poles. For the rational thinker this is almost inconceivable. Shouldn’t it just be happy or sad? Sure, if you’re a two-D thinker. But in the mind of a three-D thinker the world is bold, bright, brave, elite, creative and virtually untouchable. Just as appealing as this sounds to everyone there is unfortunately always a down side to every up. Every high has its low. Every party winds down and yes…it all comes out in the wash. The low moments are comparable to hell. Figuratively speaking it is like a lifetime alone in a cellar with no natural light to condition your cells. In no time the cells begin to die and diminish, sloughing off one by one as we watch them disintegrate in midair as though they never existed. You slowly realize you’ve left very little memory or trace of who you really were. With no legacy to pass onto the younger generations, life has no meaning. It begins to infiltrate your soul leaving behind absolutely no meaning with no apparent reason to carry on. There will never be light. You feel so empty with no escape route. You are convinced the only way out is suicide.
This is the reality of depression.
With this existence constantly cycling it becomes so difficult to exist. It shifts without warning and at times provides you with clarity and the ability to look back and reflect. This wears on the entire family and becomes just as exhausting for them to deal with. Eventually they refuse to carry on this way. Not due to a lack of love or compassion but because they too need to survive.
Alarming stats.
With the symptoms gradually becoming worse as time passes by this disease becomes rather dangerous left untreated. With an estimated 19 million Americans suffering from depression about 20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder die by suicide.
The good news.
The great news eighty percent to 90 percent of people who have bipolar disorder can be treated effectively with medication and psychotherapy.
If you are concerned about your symptoms or a family member I urge you to reach out for help. No one has to suffer.
I've listed a few references for more information and facts here.
